Sorry About Yesterday

I have no idea how I forgot to blog yesterday. Until now I thought I had blogged. That is so weird. Blogger didn't eat it or anything- I didn't blog. I just... didn't blog. Weird. Anyhoo- moving on.

I hung out at home tonight hoping to get called for work tomorrow. I didn't which is super stupid. Means I'll probably get called tomorrow either at 5:30am or I'll get a call right at 9am and have to panic out the door. Or I won't get called. Which is the stupidest option of all. Don't people know I have students loans?

Right! Blog entry topic back on track. Debt angst off to the side for now. So yeah, I'm sitting watching the back to back Come Dine With Me Canada episodes and knitting. I stick a safety pin in where I start so I can better see my progress. It worked beautifully.
You know, detailing I was making poached salmon (a success! Hazah!), emailing, playing with the kitten, and cleaning, I feel I got a lot done. I also made myself a few martinis along the way. I had pomegranate juice that needed to be finished and hey- I'm not about to let the world's most expensive pomegranate juice go to waste. Oh look- vodka and limes. Mm. Anyhoo, great- look at all this knitting.Look at how much of the sweater I've gotten done! Finish this sleeve then it's the yoke, steeking, collar, and button band! Wow.
Hm. That's interesting. Did you see it? Here's a close up. (It's not the kitten)
Yeah.
No more martinis while reading charts.

Balance and Appreciation

So like...... life is weird. Thought you'd like to know.

Here's my dilemma. And what a dilemma. Wow, when you hear about my dilemma, you are going to realize I lead a really really hard life. Anyhoo, work has been a little slow and we are just coming off of Spring Break so you know, March is kinda blah. I'm down to one contract so just one day a week guaranteed. I mean, it's still the same or more than I'd make working any other job with about a third of the time but still, I'd like to be working more. Blarg. And on top of that, it's hard to make plans because I never know when I'll get called in, and I can't do yoga in the evening because I have to be able to answer my cellphone. Blarg. And also, subbing has been great lately and all, but I don't love it. It's so hard. I just want my own classroom so badly. Sometimes having to go from other people's classrooms to other people's classrooms is just depressing. Double blarg.

The appreciation part comes in with realizing that I shouldn't complain. The only one I take care of is myself and I'm doing fine. I have no children, no dependents, really, not much responsibility at all. If I don't get called in I can spend that day playing computer games. It's scary a little. I try to make sure that I recognize that this won't always be the situation, and when I get my own classroom, this really won't be the same situation. So trying to appreciate my lifestyle right now.

The balance comes in with this 'dilemma'. A friend has offered to pick me up on her way to a two day annual fibre fair out of town tomorrow if I don't get called into work. Do you know how awesome that would be? And it's a good friend who I don't get to see that often, sometimes only once a month, and on top of that, it's a friend I rarely get to spend non-group time with. We're also planning a road trip to Oregon Coast soon so it would be a good trial. Regardless, it would be an awesome freaking day, and not one easily ever replicated. How do I balance work and awesomeness? How?!??!

So, after all that, what do I do if I'm called in? Of course I would accept the job but at the same time all my nerves scream NO because of that whole appreciating my current situation and getting the most out of it. When you step back, it's so easy (and true) to say that spending a day with a good friend is way more important than work. Another part of me also notes that taking off on a Friday would not be possible with an actual classroom or with kids! Do this now when you still can! So many factors say reject the call, and have a great day with your friend, one you will remember.

Blarg.

Life is just weird. Spike agrees.

Day Three of the thing you don't know about

Last Saturday night, as I lay near dead in bed dying from insane amounts of sugar consumed in the past 48 hours (and a weeeee bit of amaretto), I decided things needed to change or I'd actually just be one big zit by Christmas.

The Goal: Seven days of the most minimum of white sugar and the maximum of water.

Of course there were stipends. Is that the right usage of that word? I hear it all the time but I'm like 'what the hell does that mean?' and I've decided it means exceptions to silly things I make up that aren't concrete anywhere or that I ever have to take responsibility for doing.

I understand that it is the last week of school before/during the holidays and that I teach 56 students between the ages of 4 and 11.

I understand that teaching does not lend itself to being having something (ie. a mug) and knowing where that is once you put it down. I have a mug of tea. I take attendance. The tea is gone. I get a new one at recess. Read a book. New tea is gone. Stations. Find old mug of really cold super strong tea. Lunch. Leave tea in bathroom. Etc. Etc. Or have that weird situation where because I have a team teacher and an aide in the classroom who both also drink tea where I have a mug of tea and no where to put it. Anyhoo...

I also really really like chocolate. And cookies. And more chocolate.

I am out every single night for the next four days for festivities.

/skeptical

Sunday~ Day One: Avoided all sugar. Didn't drink as much water as I could have. Meh.

Monday~ Day Two: Had one hersey kiss and one small cookie (both tokens of niceness from other teachers) and lots and lots of hot water and tea. Only lost two mugs (but found three).

Tuesday~ Day Three: Lots of tea (green!) and am in charge of dessert tonight so I just made the most awesome fruit salad. Mandrin slices, pineapple, apple, cantalope, honeydew, and grapes. I rule!

In other news I think I love Camera Obscura.

Awesome

Took a step class today. Was in the front row. Missed the step. Totally fell on my ass. Didn't really hurt but I was so embarrassed I nearly started to cry. Just kinda stepped and kicked for a bit till I calmed down. And it was the cool instructor's last class too. Glad I could make it memorable for her.

Came home. Spike started doing his frantic crazy running thing. Ran to his scratching post to jump onto it. His tissue paper bed (a big sheet of tissue paper that he pulled out of a gift bag) was in front of the scratching post. He skids out and kinda half jumps only to hit the *post* part with his head.

Yeah we're here all week!

Stoopid

I still, despite being lactose intolerant for three years, am amazed how food can impact my emotions and feelings. It's so bizarre that eating can alter how I feel about me.

For instance, today I have had chocolate cake (there was a birthday in my K class), cheese and broccoli bites, and then for dinner I had a vegetarian monte-cristo (cheese and egg). And now? Now I feel horrid.

I am going to be alone forever because I am unlovable. I hate everything I have knit. I am too incompetent to teach. I can't make unit plans. I am unhealthy. I have stoopid hair. I blah blah blah blah. All of these things are untrue and just all around really ignorant thoughts of me to have but never the less, here I am! Sitting on my couch~ berating myself over the stupidest of things. I also decided my toenails are ugly and I'm a bad person for not hemming my jeans. Seriously. I nearly made myself cry when I realized I hadn't unplugged my phone charger from yesterday because I was a bad environmentalist.

How it is that this is because of dairy? How can one thing make me so unreasonable and lame? I always heard people talk about the connection between food and, well, everything, but I still get blown away by how powerful that connection can be. That food can impact who you are. Freaky.

In order to get out of my funk I'm going to go to knitting and hope my friends don't make me leave for being a poo. And I brushed the Spike until he decided it was time to bite me. And I'm going to eat a banana to try to counteract some of this bad dairy mojo.

Oh the Evil Spikester.

I'm a wreck

I didn't think it was going to be this hard to let my class go this year. I knew I would be sad but I was pretty inconsolable actually. I kept it together at school~ got a little teary with some of the cards and letters I received (I asked for no chocolate- just letters~ got both) and was a little blue after the last massive group hug but I was doing okay.

Then, that evening, at knitting group, people were talking about their plans for the upcoming days and weeks and I remember that I stopped knitting because I was going to joke about not knowing what I was going to do with my time and then it just took my breathe away because I realized I was not going to see my kids again like that ever. And I started to get really sad. I just put my knitting down and stared at my lap because I was just overcome with the realization. Lara next to me asked me what was wrong and when I went to tell her I just started to cry. The poor knitting group. One moment I'm joking away about goodness know what and next thing I'm weeping into my yarn. But yeah, I couldn't make my sadness go away and I had to leave. I just kept on all night with those silent tears you know? Like your doing something else and you realize you have tears on your cheeks.

I don't talk about my class a lot because of various things. But I mean, just a little, cause this year was special. My first class. I'm so proud of them. It was the best way to end the year~ the two kids I was worried about becoming bullies last year gave me incredibly heart-felt letters, when I opened my desk after recess and it was full of paper airplanes I didn't even get to guess who it was because they ran right into me and gave me a bear-hug, I had a 'no I'll miss you more!' competition with one of my dear dear students who came to us last year from the Phillipines, and from my little student who barely speaks English I received a pink post-it note covered in flowers and hearts.

Decorations from the year-end dance.

Distracting myself is going to be a big focus for getting through next week. Thankfully I have two canvases prepared and, um, some yarn. That's three skeins of STR in Bleeding Heart, three skeins of STR in Puck's Mischief, and just one skein of STR in Carbon Dioxide; otherwise known as two Whisper Cardigans and a pair of socks.

Spike also has big plans for the next week.

Blogging Again Part II of II

UFO MADNESS!!!! (ignore the craptastic photos- I have a hard time telling on my camera whether or not they're fuzzy until I upload them and by then I'm too lazy to go back and take more photos) (also writing in sentence fragments- don't care)

Criminal #1: Hey Teach.

Don't now what happened. I was doing well and have picked it up again. Need to just get started. Done 3/4 of the back. The yarn is so gorgeous you could eat it (but you can't).
Criminal #2: Rainbow Log Cabin Blanket

I'm actually not really thinking I'll finish this one any time soon. Super acrylic- super fun.

Criminal #3: The Beast (aka- Medallion bag from Noni)

I need a new bag so instead of purchasing the one I want from 150 bucks plus I just spent 60$ on yarn and am knitting the one that I want. I got it impulsively on Sunday and am knitting like a mad woman on it so I hope it won't be a UFO for long. It's cascade in a boootiful brown and blue. Spike included for scale.


Criminal #4: Starsockers.

This is one of the rare times I actually knit what I think up on my bus. It's halted right now because I'm worried about gauge. It's two skeins of noro sock yarn with fair isle stars. It's a lot cooler than it looks.
Criminal #5: Teeny Tiny Scarf

Another project I'm not thinking will be done soon. Those are 1.25 mm needles and that's silk thread there.
Criminal #6: Never-ending knee socks.

Seriously. Never ending!!! This is the second one. I have to finish the ball of yarn and then about four inches of ribbing in black. Started these socks years ago.
Criminal #7: Aaaahhhhh.

I love this scarf- I just keep forgetting and losing the pattern. It's cashmere laceweight and very lovely.
Criminal #8: Waves of Grain

Horrible colour here. It's a fawn purple.
Criminal #9: Teeny socks for Mom

Lorna's laces knit on hiya hiyas. That's a braided cable down the front which I love because it's the only cable that makes sense to me and I don't need to follow a pattern. This knit up fast but it's on hold over spring break. Knit this mostly on buses and wrote down the pattern during a staff meeting.
And to end on a good note.... A Finished Object!!!!

My dad's socks! Wooly bulky goodness just in time for a blistering Okanagan Summer! Wooo!

I'm going to go work on the bag.

Residual Stress and Crappy Weather

Makes for an unhappy Leone. I seriously don't know how adults do it because I've got myself and Spike and I can barely handle it. 27 has brought with it a lot of bagguage- this is no longer mid-20s. This is mid-late 20s! I should know stuff! I shouldn't be a freak about money! I should be able to walk into my walk-in closet! Ugh.

In other news, I love my nintendo DS. We weren't allowed nintendo systems growing up which I totally approve of because it has made this whole experience 45x more exciting. I now have Mariokart (and Jen??!?! In rainbow road you now go UPSIDE down!), Zelda and the Phantom Hourglad (too much fun! I love how you use the stylus for all the play), Brain Age (good for Sudoku), and Guitar Hero (I've gotten past the easy and medium levels but hard is kicking my butt).

And I've decided January is a month of threes. I don't know why. It sounds good right? So in January I have three goals and each is broken down into three sub-goals with three sub-terrain goals.

1. Apartment

• Closet- find walk in closet, organize clothing, give clothing away
• Papers- recycle stuff, organize school papers, organize house papers
• Kitchen- clean out fridge, clean out freezer, organize cupboards
  

2. Knitting

• Feather and Fan Cashmere Scarf- fix booboo, write down pattern and possibly tattoo it into the back of my hand so I don't forget/lose it for the fifth time, finish
• Dad's other sock (from his birthday. In November)- Do the leg, turn the heel, graft and finish.
• Angora Cowl- knit another four inches, drop stitches, block gingerly.
  
• 

3. Adult Crap

• Budget- budget, get a cooler credit card, budget
• Job- get TOC bag put back together, find more teachy pants, get a haircut
• Correspondence (not a crap thing but something I've really let go that I enjoy doing)- send out thank you cards for Xmas, return all my facebook messages (mostly asking me about John- thanks Mom), organize my stationary and send more handwritten letters.

Voila.

Crash and Burn

So I haven't had a day off since Grad and yesterday I worked from 9-3 at a school, then 4-930 at the cafe, and then today I worked 9-3 again. At around 3:20 as I was walking uphill towards my French class I started to feel tired...

then really really tired...

then I started to hurt on the inside...

by the time French class started I was mostly dead. My French teacher even said (in her awesome French accent) 'Leone you look dead'. I agreed.

I was suppose to go shopping downtown but when I entered the book store I saw that my bus was right outside the other doors- just waiting- so I hurried and the bus driver waited and let me on! Unheard of for an express bus. When I was on the bus I wasn't so tired I was falling asleep- I can't sleep on public buses- but I started to sympathize with people who do. I often mock people who sleep on the bus, mostly because I'm a bad person (but also because they do funny things) but I have always been thankful that I have never been so tired I sleep on the bus. I value sleep quite a bit.

Got home and stayed up long enough (and believe me- this took every bit of will power I had) to put on a load of laundry and then stayed up long enough to put it in the dryer but then I fell asleep and didn't go back down to get them for three hours. Thankfully no one needed the dryer. I don't like it when strangers touch my laundry.

So in retrospect, my plan for the evening falling through was a good thing. I don't think I would have been the best dinner buddy. Falling asleep in my sushi. And now I'm going to go have a bubble bath and go back to bed. Sweet dreams.

Tea helps

I now have three jobs. I teach, I knit, and I serve coffee. The coffee thing happened not even a week ago (and I've already worked a night shift alone) so that hasn't totally sunk in yet. It's a very, very sweet side job: a nice, relaxed atmosphere, nice coworkers, good tips, and um... FREE SOY LATTES! Sorry I yelled but I get excited sometimes. I seriously think the money I'm going to save in not having to buy soy lattes is going to be worth the job alone- tips and being paid are just gravy.

And knitting is still good- it has seriously put a crimp into *my* knitting and last night I had to bribe myself with ice cream (soy) to knit but it is alllllll good. I've knit over 30 scarves in just over two weeks.

And teaching is fine. I'm pretty sick so I couldn't work today or Monday- which is hard. It is so hard to turn down work. I wig out. I cry. I get irrational and start to think about how many scarves I would have to knit in order to make up the day. I start to think about picking up more shifts at the coffee shop (I'm working 20 hours there a week). I start thinking about the tutoring job someone emailed me about. I start thinking about my student debt. I think about how I ate out last week instead of saving money to pay off my debt. I start to lose my mind.

I realized what my problem is. I'm not use to making money. At all. Not even remotely. And the responsibility is causing me to become obsessed with it. Thankfully due to some self talks and a very tearful phone call to my Mom I've come to some enlightenments. Wanna hear them? Sure you do.

1. I'm going to be okay.

2. I'm freaking sick. And even if I do take a sick day it's okay because I have TWO other jobs. I'm sick. I was exposed to 120 kids last week- it was bound to happen.

3. I love all my jobs. How fortunate am I that I can say that?

4. I'm going to be okay.

So I'm okay now. I was uber-productive due to guilt today which was good thing because this apartment is stellar clean. Oh... I just realized I did laundry and should go get it. Whatever. But I did realize that money is stressful and I have to make sure it doesn't get the upper hand. Evil money. But nice money. Evilly nice money.

This blog post was brought to you by Buckleys, Extra Strength Tylenol, and Stash Premium Tea. Any incoherence on the bloggers part is most likely due to one or all of them.

My Angst is your Angst

I'm so emotional when I'm premenstral. I cried last night worried that my friend who likes to mountain bike and cross raging rivers will hurt herself even though she's safely trapped in the city teaching right now; I became insanely emotional when I heard about the aid workers in Afghanistan (which is a very valid reason to be upset) and could not stop sobbing in front of my computer; I got rather upset with my messy kitchen and crashed pots into my sink like a spoiled child(possibly scaring my neighbour in the apartment next to me (our kitchen windows face each other)) and then kicked some cupboards and hurt my foot; and I keep on getting worked up over my knitting because I am paralyzed in wretched selfish doubt that I won't finish my shawl in time before the end of the olympics.

So I decided to start reading Angela's Ashes.

Yeah, so if my neighbours weren't worried about me before the heaving sobs coming from my apartment would make them so. I honestly don't know how people survive such grief. Once I got over that I went into the bathroom to wash my face and cried some more. So I decided to eat a peanut butter and jam sandwich. Despite the sadness, I am very engrossed in the book and will continue to read it only tonight I need to go work on my knitting some more if I am to finish before the end of the Olympics. It's not like anything I've read before.

And in a happy note? Drunken Monkey is putting out a clothing line! Woooo!

New Years Resolutions (still January)

1. Spend less time on the computer (mmmm.... this one is hard).

2. Graduate and start climbing out of debt by actually making money (foreign concept).

3. Work out twice a week (so far so good! And I'm getting in lots of walks too. Go team!).

4. Knit FOUR sweaters (Jenn's doesn't count).

5. Write more personal letters.

6. Travel (hi Julia).

7. Start painting again.

8. Finish the hem on my curtains (I may be scrambling Dec 31st 08 to finish this one).

9. Knit seven pairs of socks (current socks in progress count).

10. Start up the violin again.

AND!!!! A bonus goal. As of January 11th, 2008, I decided to see how long I could go without buying yarn (on the 11th I bought the yarn needed for my Grandma's sweater). This is prompted by the whole money issue I've got going on right now with tuition (and by sorting my stash.... it's kinda large (not compared to some, true- but still)). I'm at day 17 people!!! That's over two weeks! My goal is 90 days. I know. I know. Impossible you say (Adrienne- I'm looking at you) but eh, aim for the stars (cue music). So....

11. Go for 90 days without buying yarn.

AAUGGHHH!!!!

The landlord's wife just came in to use my bathroom because she's vacuuming the hallways. Um... there is freaking bra in my front hallway (I don't know why) and I had TWO days worth of clothing in the bathroom because I keep on getting changed in there when I brush my teeth. CLASSY!!!!


*sigh*

Dearest dearest Tobey

ah my dear dying plant. I promise this week I will go buy more pots and soil and transplant you so you stop dying. And don't worry- I will talk to somebody who actually knows something about plants and not try to save you by my age old technique of forgetting to water you and taking you on cross-province trips.

The lament to Tobey comes on the heels of a kinda nasty burn I now have on the backs of three of my fingers on my right hand. In fact typing this is slightly painful (and it's rather ironic I misspelled typing three times and had to go back constantly) so this won't be a long post. No worries though darling readers! With soothing aloe vera from Tobey and some lovely drugs, I can still knit, albeit slowly because I can't wrap the yarn around my fingers, but I can still knit. Which is good because I have a goal to finish my Mom and my Dad's xmas presents by Friday at midnight. It can be achieved.

Tomorrow my class is going on two field trips! It will be uber fun! (I'm not being sarcastic right now).

Bonne nuit!!! (this is how Spike fell asleep the other day- mid stretch)

Janis Ian is *so* the soundtrack to my life right now

so besides the hordes of schoolwork and groupwork- my place is FREEZING so I had to call my landlord and convince him that yes, my place is cold, and no, I don't care that nobody else thinks their apartment is cold- mine is still cold. So eventually he came over (he has a dayjob so I can't begrudge him too much) and fiddled with the heat thingies and killed one of my facecloths with dirty water that came out of them. And oh yeah, he also had some comments to make on the state of my apartment. Yes, I am very messy right now but you know what? I'm a student on the edge so KEEP YOUR COMMENTS TO YOURSELF!!! If I didn't love my shoes I would have chucked one at his head. This isn't a post to get pity, you all leave such nice comments on my blog, I reread them when I'm down. This is just a post about my comically miserable day.

Well, back to disagreeing with people about prescribed learning outcomes.




Oh the fun never stops here.

Lazy teacher candidate

You know what is funny? I've become less confident in myself as a teacher since entering the program. There is just so much to know, so much to pay attention to, so much to plan, organize, read, reflect, analyze, discuss... and that's just now! I've still months to go! And my teacher keeps on telling me to work on my confidence, because I raise my voice at the end of some sentences, but I'm like.... this is just going to get worse. Soon I'll be a high pitched David Beckham teacher. Ah well.

Today we have a day in lieu. I have hoards of lesson plans to get started on. Math, social studies, gym, and just finished a literacy one. But the thing is, the more stressed out I get, the more I want to knit, the more I knit, the less schoolwork I do, the less schoolwork I do, the more stressed out I get.

It's a fun month.

Luckily, the majority of my presentations are over. I presented on gifted learners, evolution, a case study on a teacher named Nan, A Bad Kitty, and soon... Dance! (Jazz hands!). I got a lot of positive feedback from my presentation on evolution which was nice. I was very concerned I was going to have some stern looks. Now, keep in mind this was a presentation to facilitate discussion, so I couldn't take sides. I did present both sides and since one side, you know- the sane one, has a stronger argument than the other my position was clear, but no one felt attacked for anything so that was good.

And here is a picture of Spike. This is when he decided to help me prepare the table for my friend's birthday dinner. He's just warming up the spot I was going to put the cake.

What a good kitty. A very very good good good kitty.

Now let there be light....

and the internet was connected. A thousand huzzahs! Though I've been so busy that I've hardly the time to do anything interesting! There are many pictures to come, and blogs to comment on still, but don't worry, I'll get there. The new place is awesome, the move in process has been spread out over the past two weeks but the only thing I lack now is a loveseat and that will get here whenever those come around to being dirt cheap (any day now). I've got a table, chairs, two bookshelves (three because we made one into two), a toaster, utensils, Spike's kitty tent, lamps (it sucked being chased out of my living room by the fading daylight), so much yarn, books, a bed (oh sweet bed), clothing, my blender, and of course, curtains made from random material (pink star covered curtains for the living room) and recycled blankets (green ruffled edge blanket covered in little flowers that I slept with as a child) to finish the place off. It's become so much more live-able in the space of today it's wonderful. I have led lights around my bookshelf, photos on the mantle (faux fireplace), and Spike is peering outside from his scratching post. I live on the second (and a half) floor and my view isn't awful, it's kinda the rooftops of houses which is kinda nice, it's a quaint little neighbourhood. Pictures to follow, no worries. My mom is in town, which is way half (um... three quarters?) of this stuff is here. Moms are kinda crucial eh? It's a bummer that Vancouver has to be so rotten hot while she's here (my Mom comes to Vancouver for the rain) but it's been an excellent visit.

School. Ah, what to say about school. When I get back into blogging more than this won't be so hard. How do I write about the past two weeks? I don't even know where to begin. I had a three and a half day intensive art class that was uber fantastico and I learned so much. And it was the first week of our five classes we have for the next four weeks which are all really good. I'll talk about them more in depth another night. I'm debating about whether or not to put my bathroom set together tonight or leave it for tomorrow. Right, back to school. Well, it's awesome, everyone in my cohort is great, I've met a lot of fascinating people, our profs rock the cazbah, and yeah, it's completely awesome. I'm running out of adjectives so I'm going to call it a night. I need to do some more organizing of the living room before I'll be happy and can go to bed. Least to say, waking at up 6am has been a shock to the system but I'm sure soon it will be a second nature.

Thanks to everyone for the kisses and for being so patient! And to Chuck and Bears, Spike is doing fine. He misses you the most at 4 in the morning and lets everyone know. The Bears in Vancouver are adjusting quite well (even in the heat) and are very helpful in decorating. Overall, I stressed more about the move than anyone else in this house did, and thanks for the blogging updates, I'm glad to know you are all settled.

Bonne nuit!

I have no pants

I have three pairs of fancy ass pants that I only wear to important stuff and not around the house because they attract cat hair like nothing else and because they are fancy, one pair of pants are are wayyyyy too big and old and are wet because I walked in the rain last night and then left them on the floor in a pile, I have two pairs of jeans, one is in Vernon and is too big, and the other is downstairs on the basement floor which makes me scared that spiders are in them and besides that pair is also too large and has a hole in the crotch. So I'm still in my pyjama pants. I have a new pair of pants that aren't hemmed so I may just wear those around the house today.

Yeah that's all.

Hello- I'm here to scare the children

I mean really. I burnt my face with heat (campfire), the sun (evil), and the wind (sooooo cold and fast as it was coming right off a lake) the entire weekend when camping with the girlguides. I can't use lip balm because my lips react and I get coldsores.

Hence- I am a monster. My upper lip is peeling, cracked, and bleeding, & because I decided to try to save it by using intense lip moisterizer when I got home, I now have a cold sore on my bottom lip. And my face, while isn't as red as before (it was kinda like a tomatoe), literally feels like sandpaper, I kid you not, SANDPAPER! and I think I have permantly ruined my skin forever and ever.

I'm not leaving the house. I'm crying under my blanket with my face in my pillow so the salty tears don't burn my skin anymore.

No like literally, I'm really freaky upset with myself and crying. I'm trying to make it okay by blogging and making it funny, which maybe it will be at one point, but as of right now- I'm quite unhappy. And the tears are totally burning my cheeks. Which is making me laugh because now that's pathetic.