Wednesday, September 19, 2007

How to knit yerself a Pirate Scarf (or... it be a scarf only a pirate could love)

Avast! Here be yer lesson on pirate scarves. Of course pirates knit, yer scurvy dawg, many hours on the ocean vast, what else is there to do, to kill the time betwix pillaging and plundering? Eh?

Here be yer pirate scarf. Ah, that be a fine pirate scarf.
First, yer spin some yarn. Different lengths, different widths, this be a pirate scarf, full of piratey chaos, not some fancy thing an englishman would wear (oh I be mocking the englishmen!).

Next yer boil yer yarn, dye it in blood coloured koolaid.

Or, for the more modern day pirate, you microwave it in a marth stewart goblet. Be sure to assert your pirateness at all time by saying 'arrr' a lot and possibly doing some pillaging while waiting for the yarn to cool off.
Ahoy! What a booty of fine coloured yarns!
Armed with knitting needles that be adorned with the heads of your smaller enemies (9mm sized enemies to be exact), cast on (ahoy!) seven stitches and knit! Knit like a pirate!
Arrr, let the enemies of knitters beware! Remember, stripes be a pirate's trademark, we don't knows why, but it just is. Aye.
Change yarn when yer want, change the amount of rows, you be a pirate, you follow no rules! However, even a pirate with chaos in her heart knows, when one bulky yarn be placed next to a weaker, thinner yarn, it's good to modify the pattern to prevent a puffy scarf, like those of popular pirate sleeves seen on TV. When knitting with yer bulky yarn, decrease from 7 to 5: knit one, knit two together, knit one, knit two together, knit one. When you switch to your scrawny yarn, increase back up to seven: knit one, knit into front and back of yer stitch, knit one, knit into the front and back again, knit one. You be a smart pirate indeed.

And like finding a rich village to pillage, you soon will be quite a wealthy pirate. When you rampage a village, the innocents will stop to remark on your scarf, ah, the foolish die so quick. Wear your pirate scarf with pirate pride and remember, if it's chaos inspired, and you say arrr a lot, it may be a pirate thing. You may be a pirate yet, ye scurvy mate.


brooke t. higgins said...

Arrgh! It's booty-ful!!

Annika said...

Arrr! This be the best tutorial me eyes have ever laid on.

Angela said...

This is so freakin' cool, for so many reasons!

jenn said...

This is the funniest post ever written.


Bertha said...

Hahaha, I saw you on the Yarnival, I love this post!! Lovely pirate scarf!